Authenticity is a vibration I’ve carried from the season of the Snake into the season of the Horse. Authenticity, for me, means not only seeing the reality rather than the illusion but speaking the truth of that reality. Basically being real with myself and others about what space I’m in and how I feel.
It is within this space of authenticity that I’m having to acknowledge some pretty unpleasant feelings. These feelings naturally arise out of my recent breakup and most are familiar to me–I’ve gone through break-ups before. However there is one feeling that is completely new and totally uncomfortable for me and that is a feeling of hate. I’m experiencing feelings of hate towards my ex. Admitting this makes me very sad. I’ve never hated anyone before in my life. Not my ex husband in all that I allowed him to put me through. Not even my father despite all of his flaws and failings as a parent. Both have rendered emotional scars way worse than what I’m carrying now and yet I’ve never once hated them. As I meditate through these emotions I wondering why now? What makes this situation and her different to where I’m having to confront feelings of hate?
Since this is something that is still in process for me I don’t yet have the full picture. But what I do know is that this is forcing me to learn the lesson of forgiveness. My battle resides in my contradictory feelings. I still feel for my ex very much and find myself extending unconditional love towards her in the midst of the feelings of hate. This inner conflict has been draining for me. Hate is such a heavy burdensome feeling one that can only be balanced through love and forgiveness. It’s definitely not something that I desire to carry with me. It’s a mixture of anger and frustration that is deeply rooted in pain. This pain is one that is lacking forgiveness. So first, I must address the emotional pain I’m feeling and all the actions that have triggered it. Not just the actions of others but my own as well After that I must actively work through the process of forgiveness.
In this situation forgiveness requires me to let go of the disappointment I have in my ex for the choices she’s made. I must remind myself that she is human and has her own path–even if I don’t always agree with the way she goes about her journey. I have to acknowledge that my standards in regards to her character and expectations of her may have been too high and/or unrealistic. Sometimes the potential we see in others can make us a bit harsh. Understanding and compassion towards her needs to be re-cultivated. Even though I’m angry I won’t say that she intentionally set out to hurt me because I don’t feel that she did. I know that she truly loves me so it would be completely one-sided for me to assume that she hasn’t been affected by this situation. Knowing you’ve hurt someone you love isn’t an easy thing to deal with. I know this from experience.
My biggest challenge is letting go of my ego’s sense of entitlement to my anger. That sense of entitlement is holding me hostage and is blocking me spiritually. The human within me is extremely hurt and wants those who have triggered that hurt to suffer for it. There is a part of me that is still very vengeful by nature. The spirit within me understands that the suffering of others has already occurred–hurt people hurt. It is the very reason why I’m experiencing this situation now. What humbles me is the reminder that I need to forgive as I wish to be forgiven. Yes, I was deceived. True intentions were held in secret and purposefully kept from me. However I am not innocent. I also conspired with the same third-party to deceive and keep secrets from my ex. And of course, the constant in this equation is the third-party. It was foolish of me to think that the dishonesty I shared with this person towards my ex wasn’t also being shared with my ex towards me. The only difference is that one set of secrets has been brought to light and the other set of secrets have yet to be revealed. And who knows if they ever will be. If they are it’s my hope that I would be forgiven but it’s unreasonable to expect the very forgiveness I am refusing to extend.
What’s interesting is that I don’t have any feelings of hate towards the third-party in this situation. This is because I understand the spiritual aspects of their purpose. They were a mirror of the negative patterns of behavior that I needed to eliminate and other things within myself that still need work. It has also become very clear that this person carries a powerfully destructive energy. It’s in their nature to be what they are and do what they do–to destroy, because that is what they have been designed to do. They don’t know any other way. I can’t hate someone for following their nature. I also understand that they are a child–emotionally and spiritually. They are not their own vessel and this very well may be their first incarnation. Their individual mission in this lifetime is to learn how to be human. Even though it appears that they have both gotten away with and benefited from their deceptive actions I am ever mindful that nature doesn’t forget. No one ever gets away with harming others.
Karma isn’t my responsibility. What’s my responsibility is learning from this lesson and applying it in a positive way. The present moment shapes our future. Facing these feelings of hate is something that I must do for myself as well as the people I’m connected to because they can feel and are affected by the energy I’m projecting. As uncomfortable as this all is I also realize that deconstructing the concepts of hate and forgiveness will assist me in understanding the role they play within the collective consciousness.