It’s uncomfortable to face your demons. Those painful insecurities and negative patterns of behavior we try so hard to shield from the rest of the world. When we get tired of being controlled by our destructive patterns, of repeating the same mistakes, we embark on a journey of self-actualization. We work to heal ourselves. We work very hard. Eventually we grow, become better, healthier. But every so often we’re faced with something that triggers our painful experiences and our demons crawl out of hibernation. We’re forced to look at them again.
I came out of my marriage with a very wounded spirit. All the hurt and confusion I carried from my divorce was the main reason I started this blog to begin with. Being an unhealthy person in an unhealthy relationship with another unhealthy person is a concoction for Armageddon. Our union was a slow meltdown to a nuclear war– I barely escaped with my sanity. I still say that my divorce was one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had to go through and because it was such I promised myself that I would never allow myself to go through something like that again. I took a step back, connected more deeply with my spiritual practice, spent time getting to know myself, took the time to learn how to be content by myself and with self, and did what I could to heal so I wouldn’t bring that baggage into any new relationship. And I did ok, for a while. After three years being single I ended up in a relationship with someone I love very deeply. The relationship wasn’t perfect but I was dedicated to her. I saw our potential and was committed to using our challenges as a chance to grow as an individual. I’ve learned so much about myself through my relationship with her. I managed to keep my demons tucked away, for the most part, until the moment I stopped feeling safe within our relationship.
It’s interesting what we do once we kick in to survival mode. When I don’t feel safe I experience insecurity and fear. I allow those insecurities and fears to put me on a low vibration and then other things start to come up. I withdraw and won’t admit how I feel so that I’m not vulnerable. I manipulate and try to control situations. I get angry and defensive. I make judgement and assume things. I project. I get extremely depressed. I hurt. I found myself in a painful situation that had been building up over the past few months. It left me very upset at my partner and the individuals we’ve allowed into our relationship. I felt like there was a lot of selfishness and insensitivity thrown my way and it left me feeling betrayed. And though I acknowledged responsibility for my part I couldn’t help blaming the faults of everyone else involved.
But I realize that we are all reflections of each other. The people in our lives are mirrors to all the positive and negative things we carry inside of us. I grew in my garden a lover who, like me, has a very deep need for the space and freedom required to live in her highest truth. A lover who has many of the same insecurities and fears that I posses, though they may stem from a different root. I also grew in my garden connections with individuals who are bruised in many of the ways I am and who have a lot of the same destructive, self-serving patterns that I have. Hurt people hurt people, right? So I guess we’re all guilty. I can’t be angry at others without being angry at myself. I can’t judge the actions of others before first taking a look at my own. I know this. I’m very self-aware. I’m not angel. I’m human. I once read that focusing on the negative aspects of others only stunts our own spiritual growth. I’m learning this to be true. At least in my experience. So I guess I’m back to working on healing all the remaining wounds I have yet to address. I’m tired of reflecting darkness. And the present moment has no room for old baggage.
At the end of the day you just hope that those closest to you can see you in your ugliest, most authentic form, and still accept you–still stick by you. That they are willing and able to love you through your human moments. It’s also kinda scary too, dropping the veil completely and allowing a person to truly see you in the hopes that they will continue to love you anyway. But I do that for others, love them unconditionally. So I guess there’s no reason why I can’t be loved unconditionally in return.