I can’t believe it’s been almost three months since I’ve blogged. The only honest explanation that I can offer (myself) is that I’ve completely lost touch with the purpose of this blog, which was to chronicle my journey and help me short through my thoughts and feelings. Neglecting this blog means that I’ve been neglecting myself. But now I’m back!
The past few months have been extremely trying for me in all aspects, emotionally, spiritually, financially. I’ll admit that I’ve struggled in all areas, trying to connect with my authentic self and define how I relate to these parts of my life. I’ve been working on maturing emotionally and handling my feelings in a constructive manner, changing how I identify with material things, and broadening my spiritual practices. Basically promoting some serious self-examination and reaffirming my inner power. And I’ve come to realize that I possess a vast amount of power.
My emotional challenges have been centered around my romantic relationship and friendships. It’s very accurate that the true test of any relationship is hard times. When I got fired last December I made the conscious decision not to work another 9-5 job , preferring to be self-employed instead. I can admit that the decision to work for self has been both a success and a failure. A success because I was able to tap into all of my various skills and use them to sustain myself. And a failure because quite a few of my ventures fell apart. But I learned a lot of valuable lessons in the process. I was able to hold things together for the first seven months, but the last two got very rough and it spilled over into my relationships. It got to a point where I needed help, which can be very humbling for a person who identifies as being self-reliant. It was through reaching out to others for help that I realized who truly had my best interest at heart and who didn’t. There were those who I’ve been good friends to, who I have always gone above and beyond for who not only displayed a lack of compassion for my situation but went as far as to turn against me. And then there were those who helped me in ways that I would have never expected. Needless to say, this experience strengthened some relationships and severed others. And even though going through it was hurtful it was a reminder for me to always remain realistic when it comes to the relationships I have with others. And to maintain balance by putting in as much as I receive.
My spiritual challenges have been more internal. As I grow spiritually I’m becoming more aware of my strengths and weaknesses. Claiming and harnessing my power as well as remembering to listen to my intuition seem to be the most important areas of focus, I’m still a practicing Buddhist but that has opened me up psychically and now I’ve been led to study an even deeper, older form of spirituality-shamanism. That journey has been intense. Something I will detail fully in another post.
As crazy as it might sound, I can feel the pull of the Universe. A major transition. Things are changing, growing, evolving. Things are either being destroyed or built, or being destroyed in order to be rebuilt. I’ve been flowing along with it whether it’s been a calm river or a storming ocean. I see my ultimate goals over the horizon but I’m also glancing in the rear view at my habits that still need work–the negative patterns of behavior that would keep me from reaching my highest truth. My biggest accomplishment this year was seeing all the positive things I am capable of doing. I dedicated 2013 to being the year of finishing projects and I did just that with publishing my poetry book, obtaining my real estate license, and getting into a relationship with someone with whom I am very much in love with. However there is more work to be done, more changes coming. And more transitions. At least now I know that I have the ability to move with those transitions.