No Country For (Dating) Excuses


I know, I know. It’s been a very long time since I’ve posted on here. It’s certainly not for lack of having things to muse on. I’ve been extremely busy with work, art, projects, traveling, and personal goals. I realize that I need to be more diligent in devoting time to this blog. It helps put life into perspective when I take the time to reflect on my current situations. With that being said…

I’ve been dating recently. A lot. Which I find amusing because the socially awkward me is still trying to balance the whole process. It still irritates me and I still don’t have the patience for it. But I’ve at least gotten to the point where I can tolerate it, and even enjoy it. Sometimes.

I feel my growth in the process. I’ve noted the difference between dating as a girl and dating as a woman. The girl in me was naive and unassuming. She had no comprehension of her worth and as a result she accepted whatever was given to her–or not given to her. She was irresponsible with her sexuality. She lacked authenticity when it came to what she wanted and she was less likely to be honest with herself about certain things. She also had a habit of allowing unhealthy situations to go on too long. All of this played a part in who she attracted/dated and how things played out. The woman in me is much different. She prefers to give others the benefit of the doubt, but she is not one for lying to herself when she sees that a relationship has no potential. She doesn’t tolerate unhealthy situations nor does she linger in them for too long. She knows her worth and as a result she more apt to communicate what she wants and expects more. She is much more mature, responsible, and authentic. So there has been a huge difference in the people I attract and the type of situations I find myself in. My relationships have been much more happier, healthy, and fulfilling.

I’ve been involved with someone for several months now, though we just named what we have been doing as “dating”. As one can tell from past posts it hasn’t been easy. Overall my involvement with this person has been extremely enjoyable. I’ve learned a lot from them, mainly about myself. At the same time I see that we currently have goals that will put us in different places in the near future. And, most importantly, we haven’t solidified anything between us so I’m still technically single.

So in between this I have been spending time with other people, mainly casual. My late grandmother gave me a piece of advise that always stuck with me and that’s never to put all your eggs in one basket. So I’ve kept a couple of eggs tucked away here and there.  What’s interesting is how keen I’ve been to identifying when a person is ready for dating or not. And there are a lot of people who are not. Two recent situations stick out.

Situation One: Early summer I had a woman reach out to me’. She did so under the context of being interested in my poetry group and possibly wanting to join. I responded, giving her more info about the group and even inviting her out to some of our events. It didn’t take me long to see that it was me, and not the poetry group, she was interested in. Though she’s pretty, she’s not exactly my type physically. She’s also a few years younger than me. However I liked her maturity. And her intellect. We hung out a few times in between extremely busy schedules. Then all a sudden she started to get flaky. We would make plans and she would always cancel. Or something would come up. She was working, or she had school, a meeting, a dinner, prior plans with friends. I’m not too demanding. I understand that people are busy–so am I. But I also understand that people make time for what they want to make time for. So while I was wiling to set projects aside and rearrange my schedule for her I saw that she was not putting in the same effort. Nor was she being considerate about it, canceling plans at the very last-minute and always accompanying it with some excuse. Now I have a lot of patience but the one thing I cannot tolerate is unreliability. I need to be able to depend on the people in my life so if the only thing I can count on is for a person to be flaky then we have a huge problem on our hands. Once I came to that realization decided that I was done with her. I stopped reaching out to her and I stopped making plans with her.

Situation Two: I met a fellow poet while out-of-town on a business trip. The connection was mutual, though I initially reached out to him with the intent of introducing him to the Vegas poetry scene. It was only after a couple of months of casual dialog that it was out there that he was interested in me. Exactly how interested? Only time would tell. For me, it had been a long time since a man has caught my attention, let alone me being attracted enough to consider entertaining one. But I was attracted to him. I liked his energy and his personality. Fully aware of my duality, I wasn’t sure if I could be in a relationship with him. Or any man at this point but I decided to give it a shot and see. We spent some time together, casually and intimately. While he’s a great guy there are some major differences between us that I feel would challenge our overall compatibility, and ability to be fulfilled in the relationship we would have if we took it there. My sexuality is also an issue. There are other things I’ve noticed on his part. Certain key behaviors absent in a man whose intent is to  seriously date/pursue a woman. And to top it off, we’re long distance. I just don’t see it going anywhere and instead of ignoring the obvious I owed it to myself (and him) to just be honest about it. I told him how I felt. He was receptive to how I felt but he felt differently. Stated that his interest in me was more than sexual but couldn’t tell me what his intentions were or where he saw this going. His actions aren’t really indicative of a man whose trying to date me either. And I guess I could give him the benefit of the doubt and take his word for it, but I would rather not. Been there done that too many times and each time always left me regretting going against my first instinct  .

The woman in me dwells in no country for excuses–dating or otherwise but especially in dating. With the first scenario I chronicled the woman reached out to me wanting to restart things, to which I declined. She still presented a bunch of excuses which led me to conclude that her lack of reliability is deeply ingrained in her character and not likely to be changed anytime soon.  Besides I had already given her plenty of opportunities. At the end of the day, those who want to spend time with you will. Simple as that. With the second scenario,  without any clear understanding of guy’s intent or him communicating what he wants all we can really be is (platonic) friends. It’s obvious when a person wants to date you. And it’s even more obvious when they don’t. I can’t allow excuses in either situation.


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