On A Personal Note 7~10~12: dilemmas


Where do I even begin?

I strive for simplicity and balance these days.  My passionate dual nature requires it. I feel like an old tattered army general who, beaten, has grown weary of raging war. I battled in my marriage. I battled in my last dating situation. I’ve lost all desire for the type of relationship I have to fight for.  I’m so fucking tired of the battles.

Why can’t relationships be simple?

Easy answer, because people aren’t simple. And yet the least we can all do is have the self-awareness to understand our complexities enough to simplify them before we project them into the world.

When you’re faced with a situation in which you don’t know what the best course if action is, the best thing is to do nothing

Dilemma #1- I’m in a strange, undefined relationship. We’re too connected to be strictly platonic but just distant enough not to be completely romantic.  But, minus the physical contact, we function as though we are a couple. Me, I like my independence and cringe at the thought of making myself vulnerable to anyone. Her, she’s in this stage in her life where she’s trying to rediscover who she is and she’s not sure as to what she wants. And yet here we are, faced with some real possibilities that neither one of us seems to be fully ready for. If I were to be honest with myself I see that she isn’t ready for me but she doesn’t want anyone else to have me. She wants me to wait for her to get it together though she would never just come out and say that. And what do I do? Wait around? Is it even worth that? What if it never happens? Life is too short and I’m getting too old to be waiting for anything.

Dilemma #2: I have a major crush. On someone who happens to be a good friend of the person in my first dilemma. And the interest is definitely reciprocated.  It’s completely taboo to talk to two friends within the same circle but at the same time I don’t even have anything definite with anyone to begin with. So I’m stuck between being selfish and doing whatever I want or refraining out of consideration for other people’s feelings. Yet I know that trying to have it all may mean me losing out on everything.

Dilemma #3:  My past is trying to make its way into my present. Meaning that someone who I used to be  involved with is planning on coming back to Vegas. Things between us haven’t been the best and at this point we have a very fragile “friendship”. They’ve expressed a desire to be in a relationship with me, or at the very least, re-establish a friendship. I don’t see the former as being a possibility and I’m not sure if the latter is a good idea. Granted I fell in love with this person and while it’s not what it once was I still have love for her and care about her. But I know deep down inside a relationship with her won’t be good for me. And honestly, I don’t know if I want to be friends either. Especially when we had such an undefined boundaryless “friendship” to begin with. What happens if we hang out–having to ignore that elephant in the room, an estranged friendship that can never go back to what it was.  How would we deal with the other person dating or being in a relationship? Too many jealousies and what-ifs for such an arrangement to ever truly work.

Funny thing is, I know exactly what it is that  I want. I just don’t have a clue as to go about getting it. Especially when it possibly involves getting hurt or hurting other people.

I don’t know.  So I guess I’ll continue to do nothing.


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