Some Reflections On Identity

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They say that when you speak your desires into the world the Universe hears you and will grant you what you wish, placing it into your life.

Ever since I got it in my head that I wanted to start dating again I’ve seen this theory come into fruition. I’ve had a lot more than a few men show interest in me–some new and, to my surprise, some from my past. I’ve even been approached by a couple of long time friends about the prospect of us dating.

For someone who has never quite gotten the true hang of dating its pretty overwhelming. Case in point, over the weekend I was at a club celebrating a friend’s birthday party. From the moment I walked in to the time I got in my car I was getting hit on left and right. I lost count of the number of times someone sparked a conversation, requested my number, or asked me to dance. The initial flattery of it quickly lost its appeal as I am not a big fan of meeting my future significant other at a club, especially when the club scene isn’t even me to begin with.

Second case in point, I guess I’m “talking” to about three guys right now. Nothing serious by any means, we’re in that getting to know you phase. They’ve been on me to hang out but I’ve sat on the opportunity for one reason or the other. If I were to be honest with myself I would admit that I’m not motivated at all to really date these men. Nothing against them. They are great guys, handsome, successful, very nice with a lot going for themselves. But if I were to keep with this theme of honesty I will also admit that I find myself wanting men less and less these days. What I am saying is that I currently have very little to no desire for men.

Here’s the truth of the matter; I am also attracted to women. Yes, that is correct. I identify as bisexual.

This is, by no means, anything new. When people ask me at what point I knew this about myself I can honestly say that by the time I was in junior high I had realized that I liked girls. I was developing crushes on girls long before boys started catching my attention. However, as anyone with an alternative sexual orientation knows, it’s always easier to flow with the social norms. So I did, for a while at least. But nature is as nature does and it would only be so long before my nature started to peak through. And now here we are.

What’s funny is that those who truly know me aren’t at all surprised by my duality. I am a self-professed somewhat mannish free spirit and my views on sex and relationships are by no mean conventional. So when my identity started to slowly reveal itself it was business as usual for all concerned.

But bisexuality is one thing, not desiring men at all is a whole different matter. Yet I can’t really say that I’m starting to identify as a lesbian. The attraction to men is ever-present even if the desire for them is not. I understand better than most that sexuality is fluid. It is constantly changing as a person evolves. My own transition went something like having crushes on girls–>liking boys–>losing my virginity and sleeping, exclusively, with guys–> experimenting with both men and women–>getting married–>getting divorced–>sleeping with both men and women–>dating, and ultimately falling in love, with a woman–>sleeping, almost exclusively, with women while “talking to” a couple of men–>this ambiguous stage where my interest in men in waning while nothing has changed as far as women are concerned. It’s kind of like “Now what?” and I’m currently trying to find the answer.

I’ve never been ashamed of my identity. While I don’t broadcast my orientation neither do I lie when asked about it. A need for some level of privacy has kept me from openly writing about it on this blog, though I have freely outed myself through my poetry. I guess the difference is that when I perform spoken word I can control my audience as opposed to this blog where I, truly, have no idea whose reading. I went back and forth for a while on whether I even wanted to post this but I realize that there is no reason for me to hide who I am or my struggles. I also realize that it’s not just about me, identity (and not just sexual)  is something we all  grapple with and for that reason it should be openly discussed. More than anything Lifesaltar is a chronicle of my journey. This, like everything else I’ve shared,  is a part of that journey.

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