**A hodge podge of random thoughts but here goes…**
I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we were reflecting on how our lives were this time last year and how different they were the year before that. Yet even though our circumstances may have changed drastically certain people and their behaviors and patterns remained the same.
I’m amazed at how much I’ve grown in the past year–hell the past four months. I choose to handle certain situations differently than I used to. I respond to people differently. The things that used to hurt or upset me barely phase me anymore. I’m more inclined to look to the future and lees likely to get wrapped up in the past. It wasn’t an easy journey. It took a lot to get here and I still have ways to go. I’m proud of myself though. I have a self-awareness that I’ve never had before. More importantly I have a more realistic awareness of others. I’m not afraid to see a person for who they are and not who I want them to be.
A few weeks ago a psychic told me to “see the reality, not the illusion.” I’ve been carrying those words with me ever since.
In the beginning I dedicated a lot of energy to dealing with the aftermath of my divorce. There are many a post that chronicle my hurt, my anger, the petty drama. I wrote and performed poetry about it. I talked about it with close friends and family. I meditated about it. I cried about it. I ranted about it. Then one day I woke up and realized that it was simply not that important. Not in the bigger scheme of things. I blog about it less. I talk about it even less. The battles weren’t important. What were we fighting over? What prize did the winner get? What was the point of taking shots at him on this blog or other social networking sites? Talking shit about the woman he’s with? What was the purpose?
Six months ago I used to pry for information as to what he was doing. Now, when others come to me with information I tell them I don’t want to know. I stay clear of his public platforms. What does it matter that he’s in, yet another, relationship. That he’s madly in love for the third time in six months. I used to take such things as a form of rejection but now I view it with an objective clarity I lacked in the past.
What’s interesting is that I learned more about the nature and meaning of love during this period than I ever did while in a relationship. I recently posted a quote on FB (that later morphed into a poem)
I don’t want the butterflies in the stomach, the racing heart. I don’t want the ideal love. I want that real love. The kind that continues to pulse after the heart slows and the stomach calms. The kind that endures…
I quickly caught on to the fact that a love based on how a person makes you feel is a love build on quick sand. I have an attached man that makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and another living in a different state that makes me feel loved in such a tender way. Neither one I can build a relationship with. And what happens when that “feeling” fades? What are we left with?
…I don’t want a cure for loneliness or a beautiful face to pose in pictures with. I want a love that will help create the picture frame. I don’t need an empty title or to share a last name. I don’t want to find myself through love. I want true love. I want to come home to love and have it welcome me with open arms.
In a way that’s why the past doesn’t matter because I’ve traded it in for freedom. The price of freedom is letting go of my ex, in my head and in my heart. The price of freedom is not taking his relationships as rejection. The price of freedom is not comparing myself to his women. I’ve long let go of using that crutch as a way to hold up my self-confidence. My self-esteem now stands on its own. The price of freedom is leaving the door open for a love that’s going to hold me down when shit gets real. The price of freedom is not giving others the power to dictate my happiness. The price of freedom is peace.