On A Personal Note 10~16: Random Thoughts

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Despite all the good things going on in my life right now I’ve found myself a bit sad these last few days. Well, more like hurt. Sadly, it’s nothing new. Same old issues, same old wounds. I’ll deal I guess.

I find it tragic to see someone who I once loved and admired and respected fall so low. It’s like I’m looking at an entirely different person. Or maybe that person was there all along and I just refused to see. Either way it’s tragic. To watch my ex make a spectacle of himself with yet another new girlfriend makes me embarrassed for him. It’s impossible for me to be happy for him because of the way he does things. I’ve never known a person more reckless and impulsive in my life. It’s as though he doesn’t fully think things through or consider the consequences before he does things. Or maybe he does and he doesn’t care,  choosing to do things anyway. I don’t know. I think about the history, the pattern since last year. Right after the divorce last May there was the Young Chick. That following summer there was a Soror of mine from Minnesota. The fall led into a girl I nicknamed Quite One along with some woman who was in the air force. By the holidays there was a White girl. He never did tell me her name.  After the holidays he took a very short break but started back up again right after NYE. This one turned into a committed relationship that lasted through the spring and the start of the summer. After that one ended there was about a three-week break before he started with someone new. This one got him through the rest of the summer and is now his newest committed relationship.

Folks can call me the jaded ex and that’s fine because they are people who don’t know me or know the full story. Though I will admit that everything I write on here is only one side of the story and solely from my own point of view, I’ve never been nothing but 100% honest. So in all honesty I will admit that his new(est) relationship rips open some old wounds and insecurities. Insecurities that I’ve spent the better part of a year working through. Feelings of being easily replaceable and not “good enough”. Each new woman he takes up brings back those thoughts. Regardless of if there’s any truth to them or not, they are still there sometimes in the back of my mind. And those thoughts are hard to deal with.

Even more damaging is the fact that I feel as though I sacrificed so much of myself and my goals for a relationship that, really, was a total and complete lie. Maybe I’ll never understand how a person can ask another to leave their home for a new one with promises of a lasting relationship, only to determine after a short period of time that they really didn’t want the relationship after all. Or rather, they didn’t want you, seeing as they have no problem getting into relationships with other women.  And every time I see my ex take up with someone new, every time I see how easily he falls in love, it makes me realize that our relationship couldn’t have been that special or unique. It’s almost impossible for me to believe that he ever truly loved me. I think that’s what hurts the most. But, that’s what it is. Folks can try to make me out to be bitter but the hurt is real.

Regardless of how sad I’ve been lately, everything that’s happening now and all of his current actions  have confirmed that choosing to remove myself from his life was the best decision I could have made for myself. He’s clearly moving on, has moved on.  And I’ve been working on doing the same slowly but surely. It’s a process but it’s happening. And though I certainly don’t plan on jumping into any rebound situation or plan on taking up a committed relationship with anyone anytime soon, I know that now is the best time to clear the space in my heart to make room for the next person, whenever I’m ready for it.

My other thoughts are of a strange situation that I happened to find myself in. It’s not a bad situation it’s just…odd. Though I can’t complain about it one bit I’m realizing that I need to be careful and not be too reckless. Or rather, I need to not be more reckless than I’ve already been. Oh well, maybe more on that later.

This poetry thing is overwhelming me. It’s taking off so fast that I almost can’t keep up. I love it though. I’ve been writing more than I’ve written in years and I’m constantly being invited to other venues to perform. I’ve yet to take my spoken word to other open mics because I don’t feel as though I’m ready yet. I’m feeling like I need to put more practice into my reciting so I’m not spitting  so “raw”. I’m also working on linking up with some local beat makers so I can put some of my pieces to music. But all of that is a work in progress. I’m so glad that I have this outlet. It is much needed. Not only because it’s been such a positive in my life  but also because it’s putting me in the position to meet new people. I can’t even begin to describe all the awesome people I’ve met in the past month and a half.

Two things I need to get back to doing more of: meditating and exercising. Starting that back up immediately.

Until the next time…

 

 

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