I wasn’t going to write about this on my blog. Not in-depth anyway. But it’s been upsetting me ever since it happened. I mean REALLY upsetting me. One person advised me it to talk it out, have a conversation about it. But I figured that it would be no point when folks aren’t interested in listening to what it is I have to say. Another person said that I should just call folks out and put it out there. At first, I didn’t think that was a good idea. But thinking about it again I realize that what I’m basically being told by both friends is that I should get it off my chest. So here goes….
I’ve been good the last month and a half. More than good, I’ve been great. Things have been going extremely well for me lately between my poetry, the open mics, work, my social life, the wonderful new circle of people I’ve been hanging around. I’m feeling very humbled and grateful about where I am in my life right now. I’ve been truly and genuinely happy and content.
On Saturday I was out enjoying lunch with my mother when I received a text message from my ex that both angered me and hurt my feelings. I won’t get into the specifics on here out of respect for all parties involved but long story short he was upset about a conversation I had with his ex-girlfriend over an extremely sensitive topic. Basically he randomly shared something with me that I didn’t really need to know, something that happened during their relationship. The fact that he told he wasn’t what started the issue. It was the fact that 1-he didn’t inform her that he told me and 2- he purposefully let her believe that he hadn’t told anyone at all and 3- he didn’t inform me that I was supposed to act as though I didn’t know about it.
To be honest it nagged at me ever since he shared it with me because of the timing in which we chose to tell me (four months after the incident occurred) and the fact that he shared out of the blue (we weren’t even discussing it). I’ll be honest and admit that I questioned the truth of what he told me. In the past my ex has gone out of his way to tell me things in order to hurt me, so I wondered about this. So much so that I brought it up with his ex. What resulted was her becoming upset that he hadn’t informed her that I knew. She ended up hitting him about it which is why he sent me the text message.
What was so messed up about the text was that it was the old “hit and run” tactic. My ex light weight went off on me and then immediately shut down the conversation. He didn’t allow the opportunity for there to be a real discussion about it. I wasn’t able to even to give my side of things. He ended with some “There is nothing to discuss. The door is shut and the only business we have left is the storage…” I’ve been pissed and hurt ever since for so many different reasons.
Before I lay everything else out let me go back and provide a little bit of background about this odd thing between me, my ex, and his ex-girlfriend. He has randomly jumped in and out of so many dating situations since we’ve divorced a year and a half ago. I can easily count…oh….like seven different women he’s gotten involved with since last May. Some of those were casual dating situations and a couple were more than casual. Yet even still, we’re talking about rotation of women about every 3-4 months or so. Which is whatever, do what you do. What made the situation complicated (and kind of fucked up) was the fact that he would reach out to me in between (and sometimes during) women. It became a pattern. When there wasn’t anyone it would be all about me. When he found himself interested in someone he would act like I didn’t even exist. Why I put up with it, I can’t say. I guess I always hoped that when we found ourselves kicking it again things would be different. That he would be different. Yet each time he proved to me that things hadn’t changed.
The last time I went through this with him was back in the spring. Our fragile “friendship” had taken months to recuperate from the last round of drama it had suffered (recounted in many of my posts from last August through this January) and we were finally at the point where we were getting along. Even kicking it. Of course he was dating someone, nothing new, but he failed to inform me of just how serious the dating situation was. Even when I would ask him. So it hurt when he finally told me (after much prodding from me about it) that him and her were an official couple. It hurt because he had only been dating her for a month and I felt that he was doing way too much too soon. It also hurt because, up until that moment, we were kicking it tough yet as soon as he got with someone he couldn’t be bothered with me. And it hurt most of all because, towards the end of our marriage he kept insisting how unhappy he was being in a committed relationship-that he wanted to be single. Yet seven months after our divorce he has a girlfriend. I pulled away completely after that and stopped speaking to him. That was April.
In June we find ourselves talking again. He still has his girlfriend but there’s trouble in paradise. Which was no surprise to me, the relationship was rushed and never had a chance to naturally develop so of course there were issues. Again, out of respect for all parties I won’t give full details but I will talk about what directly involved me, and ultimately how me and his (now ex) girlfriend ended up being cool. Once my ex and I started speaking again we found ourselves talking regularly. So regularly that it became an issue with his girlfriend. She didn’t necessarily have a problem with me personally but with how my ex would respond when she expressed that she was concerned with how close we were. She wanted to meet me and talk to me herself. Now, when my ex first told me this I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of a meeting. Their relationship was still a fresh wound, besides I was of the mind that it was his relationship and his life and that any issues between the two of them were his responsibility to resolve. Well…he didn’t. He preferred instead to ignore the elephant in the room in the hopes that it would go away or resolve on its own. It got to a point where I got tired of the issue and, with his permission, I reached out to his girlfriend. It was a part favor to him (to ease her concerns) and part me wanting to eliminate any false notions about me or my intentions. We talked and eventually arranged to meet. The thing about the meeting is that we had a chance to truly feel each other out without the preconceived notions that came with our label, me the “ex-wife” and her being the “current girlfriend”. Not only did we have a real honest conversation about a lot things but we actually hit it off. We each thought the other was pretty cool peoples and we left with a mutual respect for one another.
Yet something crucial came out of that meeting. His girlfriend was convinced that my ex still had feelings for me, that he wasn’t over me. From his actions and everything we’ve been through I was convinced otherwise. But her comment did make me wonder. In the meantime their relationship was coming to an end. It did end and my ex and I were back to kicking it almost every day. That and talking. A lot of our conversation consisted of him admitting to me that he made some poor choices with the relationship he just ended, that he got involved with this woman too quickly. He kept saying how he needed to be single, that he didn’t have a desire to get involved with anyone for a while. He also threw out there a few times that he may have had a mistake allowing our marriage to end and that he may still have feelings for me. That he did still have feelings for me. The funny thing about it, is that never at that moment did I expect us to get back together. But from the way he was talking (and acting) it appeared as though he was changing for the better. That he had finally learned from his mistakes and was maturing.
I was extremely idealistic during that time. We were spending a lot of time together and getting along better than we had since…forever. So much so that I overlooked the fact that he was still involved with the girlfriend he had just broken up with. Not that I was jealous but more so the shit just didn’t make sense. If you’re broken up with someone and “done” with them it isn’t the best choice to continue to go to places with them and invite them over to spend the night. But, I didn’t raise the issue. We continued to kick it for about another month. Until he started talking to someone new.
It was the same old story. Somebody that he used to talk to. Somebody that he was interested in dating in the past but for whatever reasons it didn’t quite happen. He reaches out and they go on a couple of “mutual excursions”. Excursions that turn into weekly hang outs. Weekly hang outs that turn into spending time every day at each others house. The transition happened so quickly that it was almost stupid. When I left for my Atlanta trip in early August they were randomly talking. By the time I came back from my Cabo trip the end of August he “kind of liked her” and they were spending every day together. And, as always, he wanted to distance himself from me so that he was were things went with this new one.
It was at that point that I’d had enough. Like truly had enough. My immediate thought was of how ridiculous it was for him to even be getting involved with a whole new person less than a month after his breakup. My other thought was how he was rushing into yet another random ass relationship with someone he hardly took the time to get to know on a deep level. And the fact that he was right back on the same patterns made me see that he hadn’t grown at all. The biggest issue I was having about it was the fact that I felt as though he used me and lied to me. On one hand he maintains that he’s feeling as though he needs to be single for a while and not get involved with anyone. Yet in the same breath he purposefully reached out to someone he had always been interested in and starts dating her. And in the middle of all of that was him telling me that he still loved me. I felt like he used me as an excuse to break-up with the girlfriend he had. Then pulled me in in on order to fill the space until he found someone new to get involved with. Not only was I extremely hurt behind the way he chose to do things but I was so disappointed in him. Disappointment in him as a person, as a man, as a so-called “friend”. Especially when he acted as though his involvement with this new woman “just happened” and that it came out of nowhere. He knew exactly what he was doing when he reached out to her. To make things worse he treated it as though it was no big deal. As though his actions wouldn’t have negative consequences on the people it affected. As though what he did wasn’t hurtful. He was so willful and prideful about the whole thing. And really, his lack of willingness to take responsibility for the situation was my realization that he was never going to change. So I pulled away again but this time for good. I came to lose respect for the way my ex chose to handle situations and the poor way he treats people. And I got tired of always getting hurt, of constantly going through the same scenarios with him. I made the conscious decision to distance myself and truly move on and I made the effort to do so. I jumped into my work, my poetry, started hanging out and meeting new people, decided to start dating again. And eventually I found things working out for me. I found myself extremely happy and at peace.
Until Saturday when all of that went down. It wasn’t even that serious. It wasn’t as though I gossiped about something he told me in confidence. Hell, all I did was have a conversation about it with the person it happened to. And yet my ex decides he wants to come at me all crazy about it, make me out to be the bad guy in the situation, and it hurt my feelings. Deeply.
It reminded me of the time last summer when he got involved with a woman and some things he told her that I said about her resulted in a five month internet beef. Instead of taking responsibility for his part he choose to attack me both in private and in public. I will never forget reading the Twitter exchange between the two of them where I was accused of “having no life” and “being miserable and an internet stalker”.
It reminded me of the time last October when an innocent night out at a bar he happened to be at resulted in him coming at me sideways for something that the person I’d happen to go with supposedly said about him. Instead of him talking to the person directly I got the Inquisition. To top it off, he went on to accuse me of being a “stalker” for even showing up there in the first place and how odd it was that I hadn’t mentioned to him prior that I intended to go.
It reminded me of the time last December when he made reference on Facebook to something personal that had happened during our marriage. Something that I had done that I wasn’t at all proud of. Not only did he post about it but I read on as two of his close friends (one of whom I knew personally) trashed me. He sat back and allowed these woman to talk shit about me.
And even after all of these things and what we went through during our marriage I still continued to (try to) be a good friend to him. After the drama of last summer and way he was talking badly about me with others it was me who was there for him when he close friend passed away. While he was blasting me on Facebook back in December I was out hunting for a Christmas gift for him. Even recently, knowing that his paid internship had ended, I was making it a point to pass any and all job leads I had. Even putting in a word with some of my contacts on his behalf. It was outrageous that he would come at me so harshly for the conversation I had with his ex-girlfriend when he always shares the most personal details of our relationship with his women. I’m always amazed at the level of knowledge that some of these women have spit back at me about him and I. And yet he sees no problem with sharing such things. It’s such a double standard. Yet even still I attempted to make a friendship work. I make it a point to be there for him when shit falls to pieces. I help him a lot and I provide him with a lot of support. Despite everything that he has put me through and the way he has treated me. I’ve had almost everyone close to me tell me that my ex does not deserve me. That he didn’t deserve me as a wife and that he doesn’t deserve me as a friend. I’ve had others tell me that he does not act as a proper friend to me. I always thought that those were harsh judgments being made but I’m starting to realize that they are 100% accurate.
Just last night someone asked me why I’ve put up with it for so long. They asked me why I continued to maintain a relationship with my ex. My truthful answer was because I didn’t want to feel as though all my sacrificing and the hurt I experienced was for nothing. That if we could at least be friends then that would make up for all the negative things that happened between us. But, now I’m faced with the possibility that maybe it was all for nothing and that we can’t ever be friends. When I see him continuously doing the same things it makes me feel as though there couldn’t have been anything special or unique about what we had if he spends so much energy searching for something “special” with other people. When I see how quickly and easily he falls in and out of love it makes me face the possibility that he never truly loved me. That either he doesn’t know how to love or that the love he claims to have isn’t real. And that’s a hard pill to swallow for someone who sacrificed so many things for a relationship/marriage.
So now what? I deal with and get over it the way I’ve been dealing with things since the divorce. It’s been proven that we can’t be in a relationship together and we can’t be friends. We’ve gone through this before, where we don’t talk temporarily. However, this time I’m different even if he’s not. I’ve noticed the difference in my attitude, my frame of mind when we don’t interact versus when we do.For weeks after I had initially distanced myself I was calm and feeling positive. One text message conversation between him and I and I’ve been thrown off-balance ever since. I went from being happy and focused to being angry, hurt, distracted, and frustrated. I see his ex-girlfriend as she is now. She has started dating someone new and is extremely happy. It’s all over her face and the way she acts. It’s such a beautiful thing to witness. Such a big difference from when I first met her three months ago. All of those are clear signs of the obvious. What I’ve known for at least a year now. See the truth for what it is, accept it, and let it go. That it’s finally time to close the chapter on my ex. Even now, with everything I’ve experienced with him I won’t say that I think he’s a bad person because I don’t. There have been times where he has been good to me, it was just never consistent. I just think there are some dark things going on deep inside of him and there’s nothing I do to help or fix them. Until he’s truly ready to address things and deal with them he will always fall into the same negative patterns of behavior. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that. And trying to maintain a relationship with him is unhealthy for me. I was trying to be a friend to the beautiful person I saw he had the potential of being rather than meeting him as he is-a person who is malcontent, who doesn’t know what he wants, who is impulsive and reckless and destructive when it comes to relationships. I saw what I wanted and not what it was.
I wrote this on Facebook yesterday
Moment of Clarity: Sometimes we spend so much time focused on the ones that don’t love us that we don’t pay attention to the ones that do.
I’ve spent a great deal of time this past year working on myself so that I could be the source of my own happiness. In that time I’ve realized that I have a lot of friends that truly love me and want to see me happy. I also have a few people who are more than friends that love me and want to make me happy, if I will allow them to. If I would only stop looking in the wrong direction.
And I know that I will probably receive some serious backlash for this post but I am ready and prepared for whatever comes my way. For once this is me doing what’s best for me without allowing myself to be crippled by my worry of how others will feel about my actions. And I know that I feel a thousand times better after unburdening myself.
I think that after such a long time I’ve finally absorbed the important lesson of letting go