I AM SO INCREDIBLY PISSED RIGHT NOW!!!!
Like so pissed off that I had to take it the blog in order to get it off my chest. I think it’s not so much that I’m pissed but that I am fed the fuck up!
You try to be good to people. You try to give them the benefit of the doubt. You attempt to be kind and gracious and understanding and above all patient. But what I’m learning is that certain people don’t appreciate it and most importantly they don’t respect you for it. They’ll treat you poorly and use you as a doormat.
What I don’t understand is how a person will blame you for their bad actions before they take responsibility for them. What kills me is when a person will treat you like shit one minute and then reach out to you as soon as they need you.
And the constant theme of it all is the double standard. A person will do whatever the hell they want without any real regard for the feelings of others. They will perform extremely hurtful acts as easily as they breathe and treat it like it’s no big deal. Offer some hollow ass apology like it’s supposed to somehow make things better and expect you to get over it. But as soon as the tables are turned, then it’s a big deal. They don’t care until it happens to them. Then all of a sudden you are the villain. You are the bad guy.
My lesson here is that I attempted to maintain a friendship/relationship with someone when everyone in my life was telling me that they didn’t deserve that friendship-that they didn’t deserve me. I kept hearing that I was too good for this person. But I didn’t necessarily agree with that. Despite the constant heartaches, unnecessary arguments, the poor treatment I fucking tried. I put myself out there for this person in more ways than they will ever know. And while appreciation was sometimes shown it was never consistent. And what I got in return more often than not was dismissal, cold callousness, straight fuckedupness, and worst of all excuses. Excuses on why they couldn’t do better.
The thing is, everyone is multidimensional. People are complex and have many sides. It used to be that what I saw wasn’t necessarily a bad person they just (constantly) made bad choices, especially when it came to how they treated those that were the closest to them. But with every apology and promise to do things better and differently the next time around I saw the same mistakes being repeated. Now, I’m forced to categorize this person by their actions, by the way they treat people-the way they treat me. And frankly, I don’t like what I see. I don’t like the person I see them turning into. That person is not someone who I want to associate with on a close level. And I’m extremely disappointed in that person.
What happened today to set me off was it for me. Something small got blown out of proportion and then I wasn’t even offered the courtesy or respect of a full adult conversation about it. I was blamed and attacked for a situation that was not even created by me and not even allowed the opportunity to talk it out. I’m not going to lie, the way it was handled hurt my feelings. But that’s nothing new. I think what has me so fed up and apathetic about it is that this scenario feels like deja vu. I’ve gone through this exact scenario with this exact person at least a dozen times before. And I’m tired of this insanity.
I just don’t fucking care anymore.
I’m done with people not taking responsibility for their actions. I’m done with people blaming me for shit. I’m done with people trying to make me look like the bad guy. I’m done putting myself out there for a person who does not deserve it or appreciate it. And I’m done being treated like this.
The door is shut and all I can really do is #Kanyeshrug. It’s dragged on so long that I’m numb to it. I wish this person the best and I hope they find someone (friend or otherwise) that inspires them to truly put in the work necessary to be the better person that (I know) they have the potential of being.
This will be the last Personal Liberty Rant dedicated to this bullshit.