One of the great things about getting older and
supposedly more wiser is that you develop the ability to stop bullshitting yourself. That hardheadedness driven by youth slowly dissipates and with it, our need to get drunk off of our self-denial. Well, for most of us anyway.
We all have patterns that are deeply ingrained in us, patterns that cause us to do things before we think them out. Most times we aren’t aware of them, or just how motivated we are by our habits. I always wonder though, what is it about our habits that are so hard to break? Is it the fact that most of us prefer to bullshit ourselves about them? We fancy we have our urges, our lives under, control but the truth is we don’t. Denial is a powerful intoxicant.
Many of us are like hamsters running on a wheel.
Exerting so much energy and going absolutely nowhere. They say that madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Like running in place. I’m guilty of this, though my spiritual practice has helped me to identify when I stumble into this trap. I’ve gotten better at catching myself when I see myself falling into my patterns but I don’t catch everything. And there are things that I do catch but can’t stop. Almost like I’m standing outside of myself watching my own train wreck. Only thing is that these days I’m less inclined to bullshit myself about my inherent recklessness. I can admit that I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to certain things and it is for that reason that I continue to do the same things over and over again. There’s freedom in being able to admit that you are prone to screwing things up. So here’s me, raising my hand and admitting it.
For awhile I used to get frustrated by my inability to get out of my cycles but I’ve learned that frustration is a waste of energy. I know that I will continue to spin the wheel until I get tired and get off. In the meantime I must allow things to run its course naturally. It’s all a lesson, each of my patterns teaches me something about myself. The moment I Get It will be the moment I can finally get off the wheel.