I’m restless. I’m frustrated.
I think it’s because I keep trying to mend a situation that refuses to be mended. There’s nothing worse than watching a relationship slowly deteriorate and not be able to do anything about it. To go from being so close to someone to having to act as strangers. When I think I got it figured out, I find out that I don’t. We can never get on the same page. We flip through the book so quickly. Pride, denial, and old wounds keep us from being able to openly communicate with each other. I tread carefully and I’m reluctant to open up because I don’t always feel like the other party is willing to do the same. It leaves me vulnerable in an already (extremely) fragile situation Even the attempt to reach out is a big ordeal. It’s exhausting and painful.
I blundered. It happens because sometimes I do things that I shouldn’t. It happens because I don’t always go about things in the best way. It happens because sometimes I don’t understand things all the time and I don’t know what to do all the time. I can admit when I’m wrong. I know when I fuck up and life has humbled me enough to allow me to acknowledge my wrong actions. But a year of trying to put the puzzle back together has me thinking that maybe those missing pieces are lost forever. Will it take another year? Five years? Or is this the way it’s going to be? By next September will it even matter? When the goodbye is real and the emotional distance becomes physical I know what I will regret. All the time wasted not replacing sad memories with happy ones.
So I don’t know what to do. Which means that the best action is to go back to doing nothing. Continue to watch it deteriorate and pretend like it doesn’t make me sad. Act as though I don’t miss the person I used to call my best friend. If/when it dies, I’ll silently mourn it’s loss. Or perhaps by that time I would have transitioned from pretending not to care to truly not caring.