Only because I have no other title for this post. It’s funny. As much I don’t like to be emotional or vulnerable I tend to express myself on this blog with a raw honesty that surprises even me sometimes. But that was always the intent behind Lifesaltar. To be my one “safe place” I guess. Here goes another stream of consciousness…..
For the past week I have been experiencing such deep sadness that I almost can’t articulate it. All I know is that the sadness I’ve been carrying is such an acute feeling, like a throbbing physical pain. Always there. It used to be my way to stuff such feelings down and ignore them but my spiritual practice demands that I acknowledge what’s going on with me. So when I examine my emotions what do I find? Sadness of course. Hurt. There is some anger there, though small and fleeting. It doesn’t rule me at all the way it used to. Frustration. Disenfranchisement. I feel forgotten. I feel like a visitor who has no place anywhere. I am confused. Things constantly change so fast that I can’t wrap my head around most of it. I have this urge to run, like pack up all my things and leave tomorrow. And I feel a strong sense of apathy settling in.
I heard a dharma say once that when you are not sure what the clear course of action is for a situation then the best thing is to do nothing. Sometimes that can be impossible but I’m starting to learn that it’s getting easier and easier to practice this policy of non-action. What is supposed to happen (or not happen) will be no matter what.I’ve long since learned that if I do not hold on to something so tightly I won’t be devastated when it slips from my grasp. I still need to get better at letting go though.
I just want to settle into peace. For the past year I’ve been working hard at cultivating the inner stillness that I’ve never seemed to have. I’m a lot closer than I’ve ever been but I also have a ways to go. I figure that once I develop some of that peace within myself then my life, environment, and, most importantly, my relationships will reflect. It’s slowly getting there but what I’m experiencing right now is one hindrance I need to overcome. One person should never be able to completely undo me. That is too much power and it’s not healthy.
Circumstances have found it necessary for me to have to separate myself from someone I am very close to. It hasn’t been that long and already I miss my friend. I’ve never had too many people I could talk openly about my feelings to begin with. I want to reach out but I can’t bring myself to. In all honesty I can’t say right now if I will ever be able to reach out the way I would like to and that saddens me most of all. There’s so much that comes with it. Unfulfilled hopes. What ifs. The reality of a situation that hurts. The potential that there is more harm caused than good and the highs odds that I will land right back in this place. It’s just too much for me right now. Besides, I feel like I need to set my own boundaries. I don’t want to be that in-between person when a situation with another isn’t working or falls apart. I was never meant for that. My heart is not made for that. So I separate myself and do nothing. I almost feel stuck, stagnant because I’m not quite sure if this is what moving forward means but it sure doesn’t feel like it. Maybe I need this emotional and mental “pause”. Who knows. I just keep asking myself why is this so damn hard? I might not ever figure it out but at least examining it may offer some much-needed clarity.
And to my friend, if you’re reading this, just know that I understand how and why. More than you will ever know.