Two very similar situations with two entirely different people within the same week has really caused me to take a step back and examine my actions. More specifically my patterns of behavior.
I am so over it.
When I say “it” I mean engaging in the type of behavior that seems to land me in the same bullshit. I think this is life’s way of telling me I need to sit my butt down and leave things alone. It seems to work better to do nothing than to stir the pot. At least, that’s what my instincts have been telling me for some time now and I need to get better at listening to that little Toya J in the back of my mind.
I just find myself caring less and less about certain things these days. It suits me better to shut down and pull away than to fight. I’ve been through a lot in my short lifetime and self-preservation has taught me how to quickly change and adjust. I can be a pretty good mirror when my defense mechanism kicks in and it’s kicking in full force. If others can easily act as though what’s there doesn’t exist then I can do the same. I guess you just get to a point where you’re so sick and tired of getting your feelings hurt all the damn time so you quit. Yup, this is me emotionally quitting. When people tell me (either through actions or words or both) to go then I go. I don’t ask questions. I don’t look back. Moving on has obviously been this weeks theme.
In other news I find myself extremely annoyed at the poor choices my mother has made in regards to the financial planning of my younger brother’s college education. Actually, it’s more like no planning. When I was his age I was on my own when it came to planning for college. But at the time my mother was a single parent with only one income so I felt that she sort of had a pass. I kind of looked at it as a trial run. Now it’s my brothers turn and, once again, there has been no real thought to how to finance his college education. It’s hard for me to understand why money was not put away for him early on. Or at least when he started high school. What’s even worse is the fact that my mother is married and has had two incomes at her disposal. Yet a lack of fiscal responsibility and a warped sense of priorities has landed my brother in the same boat I was in at his age. I think I’m going to expand on this in a future post.