Ok I’ll Admit, I Don’t Get This Whole Dating Thing

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I don’t get this whole dating thing. I know this has 100% to do with my personality (<—-this describes me exactly by the way) . I can be socially awkward and I’m too “straight to the point”. I have no idea how to be coy and even what I pass off as flirting is strictly a means to an end (the end most often being sex).

What adds to my handicap is that I have never technically dated. I mean EVER.  I’ve had plenty of  friends, friends with benefits, fewer boyfriends, and one husband. None of those situations provided me with the opportunity to fully learn proper dating protocol. Yes I call it dating protocol because it’s really that damn serious. There is all this stuff you have to master like the “getting to know you” conversations that I have no patience for because I’ve always dealt with long-term friends who already knew me. Or the flirting, which I can do but don’t (not often) because I already have a good idea when someone is interested in me so I feel like flirting with someone who is already interested in me is pointless. I’m not much for the emotional stuff and I respond to flattery with indifference. Yeah, socially awkward like I mentioned earlier. I need help. Like, really.

What I really don’t understand is when you are taking the time to get to know a person, it’s an unspoken (or spoken) understanding that you are interested in each other, but you are in those initial stages of that “getting to know you” period. Neither are really expecting anything,  you are just testing the waters. Then all of a sudden the other party decides that a couple of common interest and a few pleasant conversations is grounds for a committed relationship.

*sigh*

WTF is that about??????? I don’t understand this part of the dating game. I refuse to believe that any person seeking a mature adult relationship is willing to base said relationship off  something so fleeting. Things that are not even close to what is required to maintain a long-term relationship.True story. This has happened to me a few times. Even as recent as today, which is why I decided to finally sit down and write about it. I’ve been talking to someone. He has made it very clear that he is interested in me, which is ok I guess. We are still getting to know each other. The vibe has been cool. Light and laid back as I prefer it to be because I’m still feeling him out. Then out of the blue he gets all serious by asking me this

Could you see yourself with me?

Totally messed up the whole vibe. And of course it’s a loaded question. While he’s a cool person and I enjoy our conversations I haven’t gotten to know him enough to be able to fully assess whether I would casually date him let alone be in a monogamous committed relationship. And even that right there puts me in an interesting situation. So now I feel as though I have to tread lightly with this one because there are so many things he needs to learn about me yet he is already asking those serious questions.It doesn’t make sense.

I just don’t get it.

Obviously I have a lot to learn but the saddest thing is that I don’t want to have to learn it. I don’t care enough to want to, which says a whole lot about me and where my head is. I’m not looking to fall in love nor am I seeking a soul mate. I could really care less about whether I actively date or not and I certainly don’t want another committed relationship. Maybe I just want to find myself and have adventures. Yeah,  I think I’ll leave this dating thing to the relationship experts. I’ll let them figure it out.

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12 thoughts on “Ok I’ll Admit, I Don’t Get This Whole Dating Thing

  1. It’s funny that some person whom we don’t even know has ever existed before now wants to own our body and soul after a few dates. It’s almost mind-boggling.

  2. “I don’t care enough to want to”
    And that is all you need to tell him. It’s ok if you tell him no, and I know thats something you said you sometimes have a problem with, telling people know. You have explained your reasons very clearly. So no need to give the cold shoulder, but you do need to give a straight answer. There is nothing wrong with saying no I dont see myself with you because…I mean you’re recently divorce and I dont mean on paper. I mean emotionally. You still kick it with your inlaws. How many men do you think would be able to handle that? Thats like being freinds with you Ex. I think you still have a lot of stuff to deal with emotionally and mentally and according to your newly made up life plan, trying to be in a committed relationship would only hender it. I mean especially if you join the peace corps. Buuut thats just my 22 cents. 🙂
    Love yourself first….(you know the rest)

    • Thank you! And trust me, I’m a lot better at saying no these days. lol. Regardless of where I’m at emotionally and mentally I can’t fathom dating someone that I barely know and who barely knows me. Besides, as you pointed out, I have certain goals I want to accomplish and gone are the days of putting off the things I want to for the sake of a relationship. But all the other stuff that comes with dating I just don’t get. lol

  3. nathan

    You know, I have done a lot of dating, and I still find it mind boggling. I have never been good at the flirting thing, and tend to come off more reserved than I’d like because I don’t want to be one of those “aggressive dudes” women always talk about. My guess is that that reservedness has come off as disinterested at time, even though I easily stay engaged in good conversation, and fairly quickly express interest in seeing someone again if I want to keep dating.

    One thing I’ll say about the guy you’re talking about above is that he might be acting out of a sense that waiting too long means nothing will happen. He’s maybe worried about being placed in the “friend zone,” and so he’s trying to up the ante to show some interest beyond friendship. I’ve been in this position enough to know that some women want it to happen on the first few dates, or else you’re just a friend – end of story. And then there’s the competition – or imagined competition. I, personally, don’t feel like dating is a competition or a race, but a lot of guys think that way. Perhaps he thinks there are other guys ready to swoop in, and is trying to make sure he’s getting his shot.

    Your last paragraph suggests that you, yourself, are not sure you want a relationship, so as Lakingya said, that’s the most important thing to tell him.

    I think one of the biggest challenges with dating is that the old rules don’t work, but there’s almost nothing that has come to replace the old rules. I have certainly learned a few things not to do, but mostly it’s just a mystery, even with the experience I have.

  4. K. Lysha

    Glad I’m not the only one baffled by the whole dating process…it boggles my mind that I’m supposed to cross paths with a stranger got on a few dates then start charting a path to the rest of my life with that person. This is especially baffling because I don’t even really like going out with strangers.

  5. Dating is as complicated as we make it. The fact of the matter is that men are very simple–and the speed at which you and I progressed is a testament to that if there ever was one.

    As you know, men tend not to test the waters. Relationships very seldom take us by surprise and most of us know what we’re looking for–or at the very least know when we’ve found something good we didn’t expect.

    The guy obviously likes you and knows ENOUGH about you to know that as long as no craziness is revealed down the line, that you’re somebody he can see himself with. Jesus, for all the shit women give men who don’t know what they want, I see a lot of folks raking dudes over the coals when one finally says what he does.

  6. The dating game is fine but flawed the way it is… And we are just effed up individuals Toya… LOL

    Women are one of the huge focal points in my life… And pleasing & manipulating women to the highest degree is a priority… So I have to master it…

    Just like you, it has been frustrating me for years…

    In my teens (I am 23), I was focused on one woman at a time, taking the nice, sweet guy approach (Guys, DO NOT RECOMMEND), to my dismay, most women are not into that type of dude…

    After a few heartbreaks, I stopped buying women stuff (minus the women in my family)

    One of things I did was to keep trying the nice guy approach to make sure it was a bad approach (it was…)

    Then, a haitian girl sent me a e-mail about how women ABHOR nice guys… which changed my whole direction on how I view & handle women… I studied women on & off for the last six years, But really didn’t leverage my time the way I liked… (Too much studying, not enough application)

    So here are my thoughts

    – I think just about EVERYBODY needs to learn basic dating protocol… esp. men (alot women get it)

    – The dating game is fantastic & wacksauce simultaneously

    – As far as your dude is concerned… he is wacksauce also… Although I agree with AJ that he did the right thing by pushing the issue with your commit… His game is not TIGHT… If I saw you wasn’t into me like that… I would ask for some p*ssy, and handle you from there… (You know my work…)

    I also hear you on the “I am trying to focus on myself & my goals” mantra… I think that is BULLSH*T… Obviously you are still recovering from your last serious relationship,

    But let the right dude come through & match up with you EXTREMELY WELL with you (& he is passionate about buddhism as you are), those panties are dropping fast, another marriage is in the “seriously consideration” box, &

    love will get another chance

    I hope you get there soon… 🙂

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