Ten Years

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This June my (not so) little brother will be graduating from the same high school I graduated from and yesterday I found out that my high school ex is engaged to be married.

This and a few other events have caused me to reflect on my life. Specifically the last ten years. I am a total different woman in a totally different place than I was back then. Ten years ago would put me at seventeen, a stubborn and head strong senior with a fixed idea of the world and how things should be.

Ten years ago, almost to the day, I lost my virginity (to the same high school ex who is now engaged). I’ve been exploring my sexuality ever since.

Ten years ago my high school ex and I made a promise to each that, no matter what, we would always remain friends. We’ve actually been able to maintain that promise. Our friendship has definitely matured as we’ve grown over the years.

Ten years ago I wanted to travel the world. That hasn’t changed.

Man, has my paradigm shifted a lot in regards to sex.

I was accepted into Long Beach State ten years ago. At the time my goal was to get a degree in political science then go on to law school. I wanted nothing more than to become an attorney. While I did indeed graduate with that degree law school ended up not being in the cards. Instead I found my true passion in non -profit work.

Ten years ago I was convinced that I would never get married or join a sorority. Ha!

The only responsibility I had ten years ago was a cellphone bill and putting gas in my grandmother’s old 80 something model Hyundai. It was a manual that literally broke down on a weekly basis.

I’m still head strong but not as stubborn, maybe. I think.

Ten years ago I was still going to church. I was also very much influenced by my family’s opinion.

Ten years ago my mother and I’s relationship was at its very worse. We are just now getting to where we need to be. It literally took ten years for that to happen.

Sometimes, I think my high school ex is still in love with me. Even after all these years.

Ten years ago all of my grandparents were alive.

I miss that Hyundai.

I was very naive and idealistic ten years ago. I personally think I still am but not as much as I used to be. Or maybe I just hope that all things will work out for the best.

Ten years ago I had only been in love once and had my heart broken once. I was also less guarded, more open, and freer in expressing how I felt. I was definitely more fearless in my willingness to love others.

On second thought, I’m not naive and my idealism is laced with an acceptance of the harsh reality of things. *I’m smiling now at this contradiction*

My journey over the past ten years has been very interesting. I don’t think ten years ago I would have sat outside on the steps of Raintree Apartments imagining that I would be where I’m right at this moment. A twenty-seven year old Buddhist divorcee living in Las Vegas  working as a housing counselor at a non profit, attempting to blog some sense into her life.

Nope, I certainly would not have pictured that.

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2 thoughts on “Ten Years

    • According to my life plan that I made ten years ago, I am almost exactly where I want to be, with a few minor changes.
      1. I pledge Sigma Gamma Rho VS. something else
      2. Im in Grad school instead of Medical School

      The funny thing about this “life plan” is that as time went on, my life plan changed. Where before I did not plan no want a family. I always thought I would be too selfish and I loved being able to get up and go.
      But as I got older, it became a strong and true desire in my heart. And everyone around me started getting married (and divorced)and here I am not even dating anyone seriously…hell dating period. It makes me wonder about my life plan.
      I can say, I am not too happy with the life I have (and know I should be) It really is a great life. Im single w/o kids, have the option to do whatever I want without barriers, and Im successful by a lot of peoples standards.
      And even though, I have always LOVED the medical field it wasn’t this end of the medical field that I love. But somehow I keep coming back here. I have made up my mind though, that since I am still very much single and childless, that if I am not totally burned out from this program I am going back to school for a second masters, where I can have patient contact. Because thats where I want to be with the people.
      The one thing I was adment about not having, is probably the one thing I want most.
      Ten years ago, I was a VERY different person. Full of ambition, hope,and faith…as life has went on a lot of that has changed. Even my ideas on love. I view myself as more of a realist now. But that leaves me with a tendecy to look at the glass half empty. And thats a shame….The sad part is, ten years ago, I had no problem loving myself first. And now at 27 I am learning to do me all over again. #kanyeshrug …because tis is life.

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