Personal Liberty Rant 12/29: the case of the jealous ex & setting boundaries

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Somewhere in the movie that is the Life and Times of Toya J I’ve been cast the roll of the jealous ex.

<insert bbm confused face here> This is a roll I neither sought nor auditioned for. I don’t know if I should be mad or amused, the label is that ridiculous.

Background Story: Over the summer my ex got involved with a “friend” of his. When I first realized he was entertaining this woman I personally gave it a shelf life of about three months before he moved on. Nobody should ever think for a moment that I don’t know my ex extremely well, and what I know is that it takes a lot for a woman (or anyone or anything for that matter) to keep him engaged for a long length of time. Not condemning or saying there’s anything wrong with him or anyone he gets involved with, it’s just simply how he is. Apparently the train wreck crashed about a month earlier than I originally anticipated. Yet before that, a small conflict occurred. The conflict originated over some disagreements my ex and I had that had nothing to do with this woman but for some reason or another she made the decision to get in the middle and make herself the focus. When she did something that offended me I contacted her directly, to which I got no response from her. Immediately after my attempt to  contact her  I witnessed a lot of shit being talked about me  by her on social networking sites, which I thought was a bit extra on her part. While she was busy feeding into the conflict my ex and I talked through the issues and resolved the disagreement. I’ll readily admit, I did my own fanning of the flames by writing two blogs specifically about her.  In all honesty I wanted to really go in on this woman in retaliation, but refrained from doing so because my ex requested it; he convinced me it was immature and childish and I gave her a pass. That was about three months ago and I thought the dust settled, that it was over.

I was mistaken.

It’s been brought to my attention that something I’ve written or said recently offended this woman, offended her to the point where she went right back to talking shit on her social networking sites. Again, <insert bbm confused face here>. Since she was very vague about what exactly it was that offended her and since I haven’t written anything directed at her in a few months I have no idea how to even go about addressing this latest bit of drama and after some reflection I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d rather not. While its irritating to be accused of  “slander” and “disrespect” and to be told to “come holla” at someone–especially when I was ignored when I did “come holla”–the truth is that there’s really no reason to keep something like this going. I’ve engaged in the social networking “beef” once before, several years ago. Been there, done that. I’m over it. At this point if folks want to label me as the jealous ex they can have at it. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I’m not into putting others down in order to build myself up. When I criticize, though it may be harsh, its constructive and my intent is always to encourage others to do better. I would never sink so low as to talk bad about someone in order to impress a man, or anyone. When I speak on anyone’s character I speak on what I observe, from behavior they’ve shown. Yet somehow the story created is that I wont let my ex go, though he’s “cut the cord” and moved on, and that I “attack” her in order to get him to come back. Um….ok. Truth be told, the cord has been severed and tied back together more times than I can count and if he has in fact moved on it certainly wasn’t with her, so what would be my motivation for attacking her? And how would me attacking her get my ex to come back to me (assuming he left at all)? Her reasoning denies his agency. If my ex truly wanted to date/be with this woman (or any woman) he’d make that decision for himself regardless of anything I’d have to say. Yet this is the story being told, in addition to some other business of ours. Which brings me to my next point…

Boundaries: 2011 will be all about setting and maintaining boundaries. I’m not big on new years resolutions but I realize that I need to do a better job at establishing boundaries in all aspects of my life, at work, with friends and family, and in other close relationships. Seeing someone I’ve never met speak so casually about intimate details of my relationship with my ex was a wake up call for me. Not only because the information she gave wasn’t even accurate but because 1) she shouldn’t have felt comfortable enough to speak on it and 2) she shouldn’t have had what little details she had. As much as I want to be angry at my ex I can’t because I’ve been guilty of over sharing as well (even on this blog). It’s one thing to share things with a close friend or two but it’s a whole different story to tell someone something just to have them turn around and put it out there for everyone to see or use it as ammunition in a conflict. At the end of the day whatever it is (or isn’t) between myself and my ex is nobody’s business, nor is it for anyone to understand but us. If he or I want to blog/write about our business that’s our privilege, not extended to anyone else. This not only applies to our situation but anything else I have going on in my life. I have some friends and family that feel entitled to know what’s going on in my life and who I’m doing it with and are extremely comfortable with discussing my life with others. That’s one boundary I plan on better managing. The other is how others treat me and/or talk to me.I don’t want to walk around angry or with a chip on my shoulder but I do plan on being a lot more straight forward about letting people know when they’ve crossed the line. Out of all the bits of advise my ex has given me the one I always remember is that people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If I want my interaction with others to change I have to first, better master how I deal with conflict and second, learn how to establish and maintain proper boundaries.

Until the next interlude….

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2 thoughts on “Personal Liberty Rant 12/29: the case of the jealous ex & setting boundaries

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