On A Personal Note: 12~26~10


I’m currently spending the weekend with my mom.  I was about to attempt to post this from my blackberry through the WordPress app. Got one paragraph in and tossed that idea before jumping on my laptop. As much as I love to text/bbm I cannot fathom posting an entire post through my mobile phone. It’s a lot of work so I spent a good couple of hours trying to log onto my mother’s horrible wireless connection. At least the effort paid off. Can’t believe I haven’t written one of these in over a month but there hasn’t been anything exciting going on in my life. I have been reflecting a lot lately, so here goes…..

….I’ve kind of moped around for most of December. The holidays have always been a little bit difficult for me since I’ve relocated. Those feelings on top of a stressful work environment have caused me to be extremely short on patience. Regardless of that I actually had a great Christmas when the day finally came around. I spent the morning eating brunch and playing family games with the former in-laws and company. I always enjoy spending time with them and I really appreciate that my relationship with them doesn’t change regardless of what’s going on between me and my ex. Afterward I drove to California to see my mother, her husband, and my brother. I honestly didn’t really want to go. San Bernardino is already an extremely depressing place to be without the added awkward situation that’s going on in my mother’s home. What helped is my Sands coming down from Carson to visit. It eased the tension in the house and kept me distracted in a good way. I’m heading back to Vegas Monday and looking forward to ten more days off before going back to work.

In the meantime I have so much to do. Of course I’ll be doing things for myself such as hitting the gym, reading a bunch of books I’ve been meaning to read, and finally visiting this Buddhist monastery I been trying to visit for months. I’ll finally be able to get cracking on this GRE studying and finish the Peace Corps application I started two months ago.  I also have a bunch of sorority obligations I’ve been slacking on, events I need to start planning and officer reports to get together for the next chapter meeting. I’ll also be gearing up for these classes I’m taking come January that I’m super excited about. Actually…now that I’m reading this  back to myself it doesn’t sound like much of a vacation.

I’ve randomly found myself in a very…um…unique arrangement. I think my free-spirited nature tends to land me in very unconventional situations. Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as too much freedom. I do know that I would rather have too much freedom than to be too restricted. Anyway, about that unique situation. I won’t provide details because I don’t wish to out myself or anyone else. I mainly want to express that I am very amazed at the things I’m discovering about myself through this situation. I think it’s because its something new and it’s a learning process. I have to admit that it’s done me some good to open up and be at ease, almost spontaneous. I actually considered dating before reality showed me that I’m nowhere near ready to get involved with anyone in any capacity that’s not casual. And even in a casual circumstance I realize that what I really need is to focus on myself and my goals. This is the first time in my life where I’ve been able to take care of myself without worrying about anyone else yet at the same time I don’t want to be a hermit. I want to have fun and experience life, on my terms. This situation allows me to do just that and I have to admit that it’s a very good place for me to be in.

I’ll be so glad when 2010 is over. It’s been a very trying year for me on all fronts. January 2011 is the start of so many promising things. School starts. Much of my hard work at the job will finally pay off. I’ll be traveling more. So many exciting things that I am looking forward to.

On another note, apparently there are certain aspects of my life that I either didn’t know or wasn’t made aware of. I say that facetiously of course.  Seems like I have a few people in my life, or orbiting around it, who  are convinced they have my whole personal situation figured out. What kills me is when someone, with bits and pieces of a story, can speak so casually and matter of factually about something they really have little to no full understanding about. It takes a lot of arrogance to inform someone about their own life or to suggest to them what their situation is or isn’t. I imagine the effort it takes to carry around such an over sized ego has got to be a huge burden and hindrance. My mother and aunt are guilty of this. I can certainly name a few others as well. My first instinct is to get angry and push back but I figure what’s the point? I’ve gone a long time not caring what others think (or say) about me, why should I care now? I know what my situation is and what it is not. I know what my truth is. I can accept that people are going to think what they want to think and say what they want to say so why waste the energy? And with that being said it would appear as though Little Toya is slowly growing up, lol. Or at the very least I’m learning how to let trivial stuff go and pick my battles more wisely. In all honesty, I naturally have my ups and downs but I am truly in a peaceful place right now and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I don’t need anyone creating my reality for me or disturbing my peace. No one.

Now, whose ready for NYE????!!!!???


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