On A Personal Note: 10~31~10

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This is my first time posting something such as this. All of my previous posts have either been general observations about things I’ve witnessed or personal realizations. I’ve never sat down and written a detailed account of what’s going on in my life . Mainly because it’s never occurred to me to. Also I don’t have the kind of ego that assumes anything about my life is exciting enough to blog about. Plus, I’m not presumptuous enough to think that others care to read about Toya J’s current events. But today is Sunday and Sunday’s are usually the day’s I visit my Sangha, Lotus In The Desert. As usual the sit and dharma talk left me contemplative. What other than my blog than to share the culmination of my random thoughts.

It’s been six months since my divorce. Who knew coming out of a three-year relationship would be so difficult. Actually, difficult is an understatement.  I’m not going to lie, I spent the first four months in hiding, battling some serious depression. It’s only been these last two months that I’ve been able to recenter myself. Meditating and Buddhism have helped a lot. So has working out. Taking care of myself from the outside in has done much to draw me out of the dark mood I was in.

I’ve been feeling myself lately and apparently so have others. I’ve been approached by a few men, asking for dates or my time. Only thing about this is that the Vegas dating pool is nothing to get excited about. It’s horrible. Most of the guys that have approached me have weeded themselves out of my radar one way or the other. Part of it is that I am not really ready to date anyone. It’s very difficult to go from a long-term relationship with one person to superficial dating of multiple people. Then again, I’ve never been  one to date. It’s just not me. If I’m feeling someone then all my energy is focused on them. There’s no movies with Mr. A on Tuesday and drinks with Mr. B on Thursday.  Dating just never has appealed to me. But I feel like it’s something I’m going to have to master eventually. Though I’m not looking for another committed relationship ( I don’t plan on staying in Vegas) it’s nice to have someone I can have fun with on occasion.

I am ready for another meditation retreat at Spirit Rock Meditation Center . I try to go on a residential retreat once a year as part of my Buddhist practice. There is one scheduled for May/June of 2011 titled “Mindfulness, Wise Speech, and Nonviolent Communication” that I’m most interested in. I’ve been trying to improve my listening and communication skills as of late.

Two things I’ve been asserting lately. One, setting boundaries. Coming from a family that doesn’t necessarily respect boundaries I was never equipped with how to set them. I’ve been getting a lot better with this lately as well as making sure that others respect them. Two, I’ve been more resistant to caving to other people’s terms. Most times I give in to things because it’s easy and it avoids conflict. Yet I find that constantly giving in leaves me carrying the short end of the stick. There’s no balance allowing others to always have their way. Especially when I can’t get others to extend the same courtesy when it’s my turn. I’m totally over that. At this point all my relationships (friends, family, etc) must be fair and balanced otherwise I will distance myself. I can’t be the only one bending.

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