The Becky Blog



Yes I named this post the Becky  Blog.  For those of you not fluent in slang Becky refers to White women. We can thank Plies for this humorous term of endearment. The background story behind this post is this; A friend of mine remarked “Some black men….I would gladly let a white woman have….But they take all the Good ones” She followed this up with “Is there a hand book out that white women get at birth??”

This got me thinking about the taboo surrounding interracial dating and my own personal opinion of the question my friend posed. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with interracial dating. I’m a firm believer that you should go for what you’re attracted to (within reason of course). Not all my female peers are as liberal as I am. There’s something about seeing a Black man with a White woman that still bothers Black women.

I have to say that White women are coming up, no matter how much Sistas want to shit on them. A lot of them aren’t the flat assed, mousey, gullible creatures we’ve stereotyped them to be. I’ve seen plenty with enough ass, mouth piece, and game to make me question their suburban upbringing. There are dozens of reasons why Black men date White women but whatever the attraction the fact remains that White women are pulling Black men, and good one’s according to my friend. So what is it? It is my opinion that some serious self reflecting is in order to truly be able to answer this question. Furthermore I feel like it’s more progressive to examine what we are doing wrong instead of what others are supposedly doing right.

First, many of us tend to look for men in the wrong places, mainly clubs. I don’t understand what mature adult looking for a committed relationship with someone of good quality would want to date someone they met at a club. There are so many things wrong with the club scene that I could dedicate an entire separate blog to this topic. To put it simply, men don’t look for wives/girlfriends at the club they look for jump-offs. I’ve rarely seen a club encounter develop into a long-term relationship. A woman has a better chance of meeting a good quality man at more low-key places such as a coffee shop, a school library, a cultural event, a work event, etc.

Second thing I’ve noticed is that may of us have a warped sense of gender roles. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an independent Black woman. Yet one can’t claim such on one hand while expecting a man to pay for every date on the other. I’m all for holding my own but it has to be balanced, otherwise it sends mixed messages. Mixing non traditional gender roles with traditional ones simply does not work. It has to be one or the other ladies. If one wants the benefits of a traditional gender rolled relationship they must be fully prepared to play the part. If they want to claim their independence then expect to come out-of-pocket a time or two (or three or four).

Third, many times our personalities run men off. As stereotypical as it may seem for me to state this, plenty of us are defensive and have bad attitudes. Others try too hard and aren’t themselves. They need to come down to earth. I scored some major points with my last guy because not only did I pay for the pizza date, but I remembered and ordered his favorite kind of pizza. Sometimes it pays to just be nice. If we aren’t interested in someone we can make that clear, without the attitude. As much as we demand respect we have to give it as well. That’s key to any relationship.

Many of us hold unrealistic views of how our men and our relationship should be. I certainly don’t advise that anyone should  settle yet there should be some flexibility in the process. Understand what is that is a must in the man you want to date and what it is that can be compromised on. This requires a person to have a full grasp of what it is they desire. It also requires a person to be realistic. A “good man” is such an abstract term. The individual has to define what that means for themselves.  Let’s face it, some of us haven’t figured out what exactly we want nor are we realistic and yet we jump into the dating scene haphazardly wondering why things are going array.  Which leads me to my next point. Ladies, you have to be what you want to attract. There are too many sitting at the bottom of the dating pool lamenting how they can’t find a decent man. Basically, a person can’t demand a good mate if they need to work on themselves. You can’t upgrade your dating pool without upgrading yourself. Once you put yourself where you want to be then the type of men you want to attract will be naturally drawn to you.

Those are my personal observations. Some may agree or disagree. Regardless of how others may feel about my opinion the point is that dating is interpersonal. If one is unhappy with their experience then one should examine themselves and their relationship with others. It’s only through critical observation can we as individuals begin to make progressive changes.


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