Loving Selfishly

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I am currently going through one of the most painful experience of my life. It’s partly the reason why I started this blog. To create an outlet for all the myriad of emotions I’ve been experiencing.

I would never have expected that I would have been married at twenty-four, much less divorced in such a short amount of time. We all have our stories and mine is that I’m not the type to get close to others. It’s rare that acquaintances become friends. Even more rare that a jump-off become a committed relationship. Yet and still I fell in love, hard. I can’t help that I’m passionate by nature anymore than I can help that I’m loyal to a fault. My life’s lesson is that an unyielding combination of these two does not always provide good results.

And what’s my outcome? Well, beware a person that tells you that you deserve better. When a person says they love you and they have the wisdom to recognize you deserve better than what they have given you and yet lack the willingness to give you better, that’s a telling sign.

I am not hardly perfect.  I don’t love perfectly. My disclaimer is that the failure of this relationship cannot be simplified into one blog nor attributed to one thing.  What I’m describing now are the issues that caused me the most hurt.

This experience has left me with a few important lessons.  First, that to love a selfish person is like throwing one’s heart against rocks. Selfishness above all will murder a relationship. I was loved, yes. But not more than he loves himself. After a while I realized that I cannot possibly compete with that. Second, I tried to make someone happy whose naturally malcontent. That too was a losing battle. No matter what, nothing was ever good enough.  Nothing would ever BE good enough. I wrung myself dry knowing that I was in love with someone who will always be in search of the next best thing. I never quite confronted the knowledge that no matter how much I gave, my recipient would always have one eye over the fence coveting greener pastures. However, the grass is greener where you water it.

My flaw (one of many) is that I expected too much. I expected growth and change in habits that are too deeply ingrained. I expected him to love me enough to want to grow out of his selfishness, not realizing that it’s a part of him he’s not ready to let go. Instead he would rather send me on my journey alone. I expected him to appreciate my loyalty and passion, my forgiving nature.  Instead it was taken advantage of repeatedly. I won’t play the victim though, because at the end of the day I recognized what was going on and allowed it. I’m always trying to give others the benefit of the doubt.

I can’t doubt selfishness though. And I can’t doubt when you love someone that’s doesn’t love you back equally and with integrity.

So here I am. Up at 3am because I can’t sleep. I did the usual; drank, cried, went off in a fit of rage. Now I’m left with the stone in my heart. I’ve been hurt yet again in a way that’s so familiar it’s like de ja vu. Patterns. I get sick of seeing the same things brought to my doorstep. But this time….I’m not opening the door. I’m leaving it right on the stoop.

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