For the past 5 days I’ve been in Miami spending time with one of my very good friends, someone I consider part of my “Vegas Tribe”. The Tribe was a concept born from a group of hippy artists I became very close to my last two years living in Vegas. The Vegas art scene is very unique in that it is very small. Because it’s small it’s easier to connect with other artists in a communal atmosphere. It’s common for artists to attend birthday parties and weddings of other artists or for a group of artists to host a Thanksgiving dinner together. There’s more than a few that have gotten together and collectively rented a house. That’s just how we roll.
I don’t get to spend time with my Tribe very often but when I do I’m reminded of how much I need that supportive energy. As much as I love Atlanta the one issue (which also happens to be the biggest issue) is that I haven’t been able to cultivate a Tribe there. Even establishing authentic friendships has proven challenging. I’ve experienced a lot of people who are attracted to appearances and/or what they think they can get from you. They approach you under false pretenses in order to try to use you. There are a lot of fakes in the city of Atlanta.
This has been very difficult for me because I am generally very open and authentic. I take people at face value and have no reason to mistrust because I am honest in all my dealings with others, so I never expect anyone to be dishonest in their dealings with me.
Yeah…idealistic, I know.
And my idealism has resulted in being flat-out lied to and used, several shady living arrangements, unfruitful business “partnerships”, flaky acquaintances that want to call themselves friends, clients with ulterior motives, and being owed a total of several hundred dollars for work done for a few small businesses. And while I could be upset about these experiences I refuse to be a victim. My participation means that I am a co-creator. And each bad experience has been a lesson on what I need to do to tighten my ship; speak my truth, improve my business practices, call out bullshit, be discerning, and be discriminating on who I allow into my circle.
And speaking of the circle….
I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I don’t need any new friends. An Atlanta Tribe isn’t necessary because my Vegas Tribe is more than enough. I have more than enough love and support from the true friends and family in my life. They know me. They understand me. I don’t have to explain myself to them nor do I have to worry about being taken advantage of. I am part of a strong collective that ensures that all involved grow and elevate. We honor each other with the up most respect and integrity. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So to anyone new, I’m good. Unless you are of the same caliber my circle is closed and I am ok with that.
And I can’t believe it’s been six months since I’ve posted anything. It’s definitely not for lack of things to write about. In six months I’ve traveled, launched my healing business, started drafting my second poetry book, gotten my real estate license, transitioned into a professional art model, and have evolved so much spiritually and emotionally.
I started this blog five years ago and as I read over some of my older posts I’m amazed at how much I’ve grown. Not only am I fully connected to my divinity but I have discerned and accepted my life’s purpose. As a result I am aligned with Universal Law as I manifest literally all that I desire. It’s an interesting thing to say that, at 32, I am content and happy for the first time in my adult life. I am confident in my role and I am at peace with who I am. Temet Nosce- know thyself. There’s power in that and it’s extremely challenging to own that power in a culture that is designed to separate you from who you are, from your Spirit.
What’s even more amazing is that I find that as I’ve shifted my relationships with others have shifted. I’ve gained wisdom on “soul contracts” and the lessons I am to learn from those in my life. Doing so has allowed me to better discern what types of relationships to cultivate with others, and how I am to show up in those relationships. This wisdom has also allowed me to better meet others where they are. And most importantly it has allowed me to release attachment to my relationships when it is time to let them go. Through this understanding I have been able to forgive past hurts, thus removing many blockages to my abundance and balancing my ability to give and receive.
I have also regained my connection to my sexuality (something I will expand on later in a separate post). As I honor my Goddesshood I realize that my sexuality belongs to me and only me. It is for my use, my pleasure, and it is a blessing to others if I choose to share it. I’ve come to understand that a part of my healing gift is in my sexuality and that I must have the freedom to express it fully. I am not made for monogamy nor am I limited to only one gender. I also realize more and more that I don’t necessarily need a partner or mate–my ability to love expands with each lover I engage.
I guess I can say that I have finally regained all the parts of me that I had become disconnected from over the years. Life’s hardships and emotional traumas tend to cut us into so many pieces. We either spend the rest of our lives broken or the rest of our lives trying to find those pieces so that we may put ourselves back together again. When, in reality, we were always whole. We just forgot.
There has been so much going on that I don’t even know where to begin But I can happily say that in the seven months since I moved to Atlanta I have either accomplished or planted a seed for everything I set out to do here. I’m teaching yoga, launched my holistic company, traveling, building my healing arts and communal living community, figure modeling, sharing poetry, and getting into my healing studies. I’ve advanced my own spiritual practice and have started my shamanic training as well as learning pranic and tantric healing arts. Personally I have deepened my connections with others by living in my truth and maintaining an open relationship with my Beloved. However each consort I engage has been a beautiful mirror and teacher. Each one has given me the space to expand my heart-letting go of past hurts and unhealthy ways of moving through the world.
Lately my feelings have been full of wonderment and gratitude. Every time I’m on the train passing the beautiful Atlanta skyline I marvel at the fact that I’m living in the city I’ve always wanted to live in. Every time I connect with a member of my community I feel welcome, humbled, and supported. Every time I teach a yoga class, step on the podium to art model, grab the mic to share poetry, or complete a healing session with a client I feel joy that I’m doing exactly what I have been called to this earth to do. I am living my life’s purpose.
I’ve been reflecting a lot on what exactly it means to live your life’s purpose. In my experience it means being present to your inner voice and humble enough to seek guidance from those that are sent to be teachers. It means being one hundred percent authentic, open, and receptive because sometimes our purpose means we have to detach from the things we think we want that directly interfere with what we are meant to do. And sometimes we have to change patterns of behavior that hinder us and that also requires complete authenticity. You have to be fearless, vulnerable, and very self-aware. You have to pull yourself out of the matrix of modern society and let go of the need to be validated by others. You have to cultivate patience, faith, and a lot of acceptance. And, most importantly, you have to grow the fuck up. Owning your life’s purpose also means owning all the responsibility that come with it.
When I take a step back and look at the bigger picture I realize that so many things truly don’t/didn’t matter in the grander scheme of things. Every situation, every connection is a lesson meant to push you towards your purpose. Every thing I’ve experienced over the past four years is an example of that. When I was so busy being caught up in the drama of what the Universe was trying to show me I lost the lesson. I was knocked off my path. And I suffered. But now I am grateful for the insight-for the people and situations that did what they were supposed to do to put me exactly where I am in this moment.
“With great respect and love, I honor my heart, my inner teacher.” ~Tantric Yoga Prayer